Dream of 3rd september, 2020
before i went to sleep last night i asked: show me what is the feeling that inside of my angry.
i had a dream. i saw 周倩 and 小4 are having a video coversation saying 小4 is going to the uk. i hear it and feel so happy told her that i am in LONDON so we can see each other when she comes.
then I am off the plain in the underground station in london. the underground is not like the way it is now, but lots of entrance about 100 meters apart from each other, so people rush into the train as soon as the train get by their stationi and train never stop… anyway under someone’s help i get into a train and sit right next to some people wearing white cloth. as I am about to scrach my arm on the right, the guy set behind me soon took off his bag which was putting right behind me before and said, christ… i was quite shocked but thought he must just paranoied about if i can steel his things in the bag. then the guy/woman on my right hand stand up so i looked at him/her, she lookes like a doctor as she is wearing the doctor white cloth and have some drawing/pattern on her 衣襟of that doctor cloth. i was looking at her and admire her cloth. the guy behind me says, oh christ, as i am about to steel her things. i look at him, he looks alike a doctor as well, with a 听诊器on his neck, i said: i am just admire how beautiful this doctor is, you do not need to treat me as i am a theft. he said; sorry about that, i saw the sorrowness and 闪烁其词 in your eyes. 是那么的不镇定，和所有其他的小偷一样，这样的sorrw, 闪烁其词以及心的无法安定如果持续下去将会带来CANCER,我太熟悉了，有很多病人是这样。我仔仔细细地在梦里想了想，为什么会不镇定，闪烁呢，我回答他说：there is one thing that do make me feel very sorrow in side and i have not able to fix it yet. which is i have been to the UK for 10 years and never feel this is a home, but i also know my home is no longer china anymore, as I cannot get back as how it was. as soon as i said this, i saw a little tinny black people that inside of my heart, feel so lonely and so sad so sorrow, like screming but nobody could hear her, that feeling of sadness and sorrow I felt was so strong even when I was going though all these things in London i have not notices that she was there in a black dot, feeling self pity, no way of fixing it and very very desprate. i just want to hug her and tell her, all will be right. at this time osian called me mama in reality. i wake up, he want me to make a milk. when i walk out of the door i hold the bottle and gave myself a big big hug…
she is always there, so tiny, so lonely, i finally realised why i decided to move to irealand ,get my parents over, are all to build a home, a home that i feel is a home, a home have our families and feel hamoney together. a home is not china nor the uk, so both luke and i would not feel that we had to sacryfise our feeling to get the other person stay in a enverimonet that is familier to him/her. i choosed ireland and thought this is the best way to build a home. maybe in my dream that little black dot person is still there because i have not feel this is a home in ireland as strong as how i felt in china as a kid, because my parents still have issues with me and they never felt this could be their home. i feel this is our home because osian and luke are around, for the first year when osian was born i felt wherever three of us are in wherever is home. this is our home. now the only thing i need to do is to join more of the community, feel like a local, chat withpeople , invite friends over, this is our home, and we will make it the best of heaven of ourselves.
for the little person inside of my heart scremming , she will no longer get ignored, i willl send love to her all the time, as i do love her so much, whatever happend is a journey of study, i become more experienced than before, all of this , emotion, feeling ,darkness i accept you all. you do not need to be hidden in the dark tinny place anymore. come out give me a hug, every day, little by little, we will build a home together, as i do love you sooooo much. i love you sunsun
as i wrote down all this, tears fall of my eyes, i felt so happy and sorrow at the same time, i feel so soft, as feel a massive hardness inside of my heart started to melt. i know it will. because i love you sunsun. i do. i want the fully part of you be happy, not just from the outside, but every part. as a daugher of you, a mother of you, a wife of you most important , as the little kid of myself.
i love you.